Once more into the shirts - for Pat!

Once more into the shirts, dear friends, once more;
Or close up the wall with our English dead!
In summer there’s nothing so becomes a person
As factor 50 sunblock and a tank top;
But when the blast of injustice rings in our ears,
Then initiate the action of the Ranger;
Shake out the wrinkles, summon up the shirts;
Disguise fair nature with purple garments;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let the pupils peer through the lens of the trifocals
Like bursting ball bearings; let the passions flow
As brilliantly as doth spilled cherry Koolaid
O’erflow and make sticky the bargaining table,
Swill’d with the wide and wasteful pitcher.
Now set the teeth (or crowns) and stretch the waistband wide,
Hold hard the breath, and suck in every tum
To its slimmest measurement! On, on you noblest English!
Whose honor is learned from romances of old;
Written by authors, who, like so many Homers,
Have in poetry the epic battles fought,
And never sheathed their scorn.
Dishonor not your RFPs; now attest
That he whom you call Larry did summon you.
Be models now to those of fainter hearts,
And teach them how to rally. And you, good cooleagues,
Whose rhetoric was learned since childhood, show them here
That you are worth your salt; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so cynical and tired
That hath not the character to stick up for our old pal.
I see you stand like Diamondbacks upon the field,
Straining upon the playoffs. The meeting's afoot:
Follow your motto and upon this charge
Cry “Write no wrongs and let all wrongs be righted --
For Patrick  -- our cooleague and our friend!”