End term paper anxiety now Tiffany Di Giacinto Lifestyles Editor Spring break isn’t coming with tidings of comfort and joy. No, spring break bears a painful reminder of the dwindling time I have to finish my English 102 term paper. If it weren’t for a handy guide called “How to Write a Term Paper,” I would do what I always do when I find myself in such a predicament—cry. Fortunately, this lifesaving guide was forwarded to me via e-mail and I, being the good citizen I am, have decided to pass it on to you. I have faith that following the steps below will ensure you nothing but success as you begin your term paper. 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters. 8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper. 11. Listen to the other side. 12. Check your e-mail again. 13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 17. Check your e-mail to make sure no one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked. 18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from “Masterpiece Theater” to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowler’s Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche and “Star Trek” 19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 27. Check your e-mail. 28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 29. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 30. Leap up and write the paper. 31. Type the paper.