Telemarketing is the future. Is there no easier way to sell a product, idea, or charity than by picking up a telephone and very impersonally addressing Mr. or Mrs. Head of the Household? Given these conveniences its common sense to assume the telemarketing industry isn’t going away for a long time. You know it, I know it, and the United States Congress knows it, and yet here they are fighting a judge over the constitutionality of a national do-not-call list. This list would, in theory allow millions of Americans to register for a service that keeps for-profit companies and organizations from calling your house to solicit you. While Congress had no problem passing the bill, a federal judge in Denver ruled that the bill was in violation of the marketers’ free speech. Now the bill is in the court of appeals and Americans are wondering if there is any relief from their daily woes in sight. “Woes.” Such a great way to describe the process of answering a telephone once or twice a day to say “I’m not interested” and hang up. The laziness of Americans continues to amaze me. We would rather the government spend time and money in passing a bill then for us to spend 30 seconds to tell someone we “don’t want any.” So the bill is passed, and despite the current battle with the judicial system, supporters are sure it will eventually work out, and lazy Americans everywhere will be ecstatic. MCI seems to have found the perfect answer to this problem, though: a door-to-door campaign. Instead of calling you at dinnertime to interrupt your meal, you will soon be hearing the ring of your doorbell, a ring you cannot simply hang up on. "No soliciting" signs are considerably more difficult to enforce than the do-not-call list. Where withholding information from a caller can leave the telemarketer with a $500 fine, knocking on the door of a house leaves you with the hassle of having to get up, look out the window, and tell them to leave, which is much harder than hanging up on, if you ask me. Add to that the inconvenience of it all, and we have some very angry, very lazy Americans on our hands. Somehow marketing has managed to regress to the days of door-to-door vacuum salesmen. There wasn't anything quite like having a middle-aged man standing at your front door with vacuums in hand and a grin only a used car salesman could love. This was obnoxious enough that marketing left the streets and took to the phones, but now, facing legislative attack, the industry is working its way back to its roots. Given enough time I'm sure Congress will propose and pass a National do-not-knock list which will send them back to the phones, and thus we are trapped in this vicious circle. It really should not take an act of God or our government to fix the problems telemarketers may bring. The secret password to enter the happy world of this hassle-free life is "put me on your do-not-call list." It's that simple, I promise. I understand that it does take some exertion of energy on your behalf, but it will be energy well invested. So if the national list is never ruled "constitutional" don't fret, just repeat that phrase as needed, and look into a guard dog for your front door. You might be needing it sooner than you think.

Next: Josh's next, and currently untitled column

Printer-friendly version: Open this page without header/margin